Technolinguistics: Test Drive BMW 3 Series

Even if your English does not reach the level of "years mi speaker from may hart", and German is limited to the words Rammstein and Paulaner, you can still consider yourself a real polyglot. Because each of us is fluent in many languages: body, images, gestures - emoji, after all

Cars communicate with us in the same way - in the language of design, ergonomics, dynamics, handling, and so on: all have their own phonetics, semantics and morphology, from which the very identity of the brand is assembled. Of course, all this changes over time, as befits any living language. Sometime due to their own neologisms, and sometimes thanks to successful borrowings. The main thing is that everything should happen logically and naturally: linguistics does not like revolutions.

And in this regard, the history of BMW is almost flawless. Yes, at some point Chris Bangle came and said “Hello!” To everyone, but those experiments eventually wither away, just like the “Padoncaff” dialect. And they spoke to us again in pure Bavarian.

But in dialogue with the new "three-ruble note" in the back of the G20, I probably need a translator.

Fortunately, the design can be discussed without a language barrier: the Belarusian Aleksey Kezha was responsible for the appearance of the 3 series. He was born and raised in Vitebsk, studied to be a designer in Paris, managed to work at Renault, and then moved to BMW, where he was noted for the chic 2002 Hommage concept. And this is his first serial work, and immediately - the most important model in the line!

Alexei claims that we just imagine a strange set of borrowed phrases in appearance. Lexus dreamed of in the drawing of the taillights - in fact, there is a classic L-shape, only slender, modern and compact. It seems that the ascending line on the sidewall was spied on by the same Lexus - because it was conceived as a "hello" to the Banglov Z4 roadster. Finally, Peugeot also appears in the eyes of the headlights: the swelling along the lower edge should rhyme with the restyled E46 body, and not with your 30,008.

And I readily believe that all this can be pure coincidence, but you have to take into account the global context! You can't just start a second McDonald's, even if you're pretty darn good at the restaurant business and you actually have the last name McDonald's. More precisely, it is possible - but these explanations will not interest either the judge or the jury.

Here and inside - unlock, do not unlock - there is a dashboard from Chery Tiggo 2. And it would be fine if the idea was successful, then it's not a sin to spy on it. But no: the language in which the information is presented is worse than the Chinese literacy! Broken orange scales are squeezed in the corners of the tidy, the tachometer works in the opposite direction, in the center, non-disconnectable and not very visual navigation interferes … The desire to spoil your eyes about it disappears in the first five minutes, and then you mainly use the projection display. Here it is - gorgeous.

But there are also good ones: this is not a dash, but a "thrashboard" you can refuse.

More precisely, one can deliberately disagree with it, because this is an option for … 234,000 rubles! And all ordinary "three rubles" will also have digital, but round and clear scales. We haven't been able to see them live yet, but the renders in the configurator look just right.

The only thing is that you won't get the latest BMW OS 7.0 multimedia system without extravagant tidy. But it is really cool: endless functionality, custom desktops, customization of the location and size of widgets - in short, everything that was invented in Jaguar Land Rover a few years ago, only now with cool graphics and no brakes. And yet - and this is exactly a coincidence - BMW has its own voice assistant. Yes, just six months after the release of the Mercedes-Benz A-class with a similar lotion.

The virtual young lady's name is … And whatever you want, so her name is: the system can be taught to respond to any name. While colleagues were joking, forcing BMW to respond to the name Mercedes, Zinaida and I tried to find a common language and strike up a heart-to-heart conversation. It turned out not very successful: the assistant is dumb even in English, and in Russian it is still worse. In general, this is not Alice or even Siri.

Yes, and what information you might want to find out from the car, having in front of your eyes whole three custom monitor ?! The only useful thing is voice input for navigation and SMS - because all this is in the previous version of multimedia. Which is still cool, smart, and quite modern.

In general, overpaying for advanced electronics is pointless and even harmful: basic versions of the "three-ruble note" should be simpler, clearer and more harmonious. And it is more convenient to communicate with the machine using a traditional controller-washer, and not with a voice - especially since the language of tactile communication in this machine has hardly changed.

All the key elements are familiar: the ideal landing geometry, a thick round steering wheel, a driving mode selection panel under the right hand, a volume knob, radio buttons and scrolling through tracks … Except that the engine start button has left for the central tunnel, and the climate control unit has degenerated into a cramped and “blind "trapezoid - unsuccessful, but bearable. The rest is a favorite classic, only assembled from better materials. With your eyes closed, you will never guess that you are sitting in a new car. And on the go?

In terms of overclocking, everything is very similar to what it was before, because the motors are essentially the same - that is, they are excellent. Forget about the top-end 264-horsepower three-liter diesel engine right away: it will not be in Russia, just as it was not at the presentation. The input option for us is the 320d version with a diesel two-liter "four". Now she has two turbines, increased injection pressure, there are other minor improvements, but the indicators have not changed: 190 horsepower and 400 Nm of thrust.

The gasoline turbo engine BMW 330i has exactly the same torque, but here it is the result of an increase of 50 Newtons: before it was 350. The power is the same - 258 horsepower, this time for both Europe and Russia. For some reason, we could not draw the number 249 on paper, so we are waiting for localized and honestly deformed cars, but for now we pay taxes or bite our nails.

Is it worth chewing? Oh yeah! The 330i accelerates deliciously - easily, recklessly, and even surprisingly organically sings along with itself through the speakers: a rare case when synthetics are not annoying. Moreover, 5.8 seconds to a hundred - this is exactly the same as in the previous generation car, only adjusted for the number of driving wheels: now "three hundred and thirty" is exclusively rear-wheel drive. And this is a real holiday, because for 110 thousand you can buy an electronic differential lock for it … No, you cannot, you simply have to do it!

Because even my 93-year-old grandmother can drift on a three-ruble note in this configuration.

At these moments with the car you want to speak either in Japanese, about all these furidashi and anikuya, or in Georgian - remember the crazy urban freaks of Georgy Tevzadze? Turned, pressed - and that's it, you go sideways, controlling the angle literally with your fingertips and millimeters of foot movement. Any roundabout is yours: one loop, second, third - until conscience and pity for rubber wakes up. To be honest, this is the first time in my life, and I am not inclined to think that it is a sudden jump in skills.

The 320d version, for obvious reasons, is incapable of such annealing, but everything is fine with the dynamics, too: the absurd accelerator damping has not yet reached here, as on many modern diesel engines, and 6.8 seconds to a hundred is four dozen faster than earlier. Thanks, in particular, to the excellent aerodynamics - the drag coefficient is almost a record 0.23. And the reduced weight: the treshka has grown in length by as much as eight centimeters, but managed to lose half a centner at once due to the design using more aluminum and high-strength steels.

The platform here is, of course, new - and it is clear that this is the ubiquitous CLAR architecture. But in an alternative configuration, close not to the "five" and X5, but to the X3 and the former "three" - with McPherson struts in front instead of double levers. An interesting feature: additional hydraulic bumpers appeared in the shock absorbers, which should damp shocks on large irregularities. Along the way, this allowed to make the main sections of the shock absorbers softer, and the springs are stiffer.

And it works! Only the toughest versions with the M Sport suspension lowered by a centimeter came for the test in Portugal - but there is also a standard version, as well as a version with adaptive shock absorbers, but in Russia, at first, there will still be only M Sport. Well, even this tight performance looks perfectly balanced. Yes, the chassis is dense, and on a transverse wave you will jump with a rubber ball along with the car, but small things are smoothed out with a bang, and large and sharp irregularities do not lead to sharp impacts and unnecessary sounds. In the language of subjective sensations, such a silent energy intensity is synonymous with comfort, especially when it comes to a car with a sporty character.

And the character of "treshki" is very sporty.

The track is widened by four centimeters at the front and two at the rear, the wheelbase is increased by 41 millimeters, the center of mass is lowered by 10 millimeters - and now the chassis has acquired simply fantastic tenacity! Attacking the picturesque serpentines in the vicinity of Faro, I try not to look at the speedometer: perhaps, if I realize this speed, the magic will collapse, and we with a three-ruble note will fall into the nearest abyss. Civilian cars shouldn't drive like that!

But they ride, and they feel especially great on uneven surfaces. A turn, a toss and a pothole at the same point is not at all a reason to jump off the trajectory: the "treshka" only squeaks with tires briefly, but keeps its course! The secret is that our cars are not shod with nasty run-flat tires, but with ordinary homologated Michelin Pilot Sport 4 tires, which seem to be the ideal option.

And here you can choose: if you want efficiency, solidity and uniqueness - get into the 330i on a wide (225 front, 255 rear) 19-inch wheels. Looking for more comfort and love dancing around corners - the diesel version is waiting for you. There are 18 inches, 225 millimeters each front and rear, better ride and more responsiveness to the redistribution of weight: such a "three-ruble note" can be tightened inside the turn not only by adding gas, but also by dropping it. Subtle, graceful and truly gourmet.

And it would be absolutely gorgeous if it were not for the strange steering wheel setting. Again, only versions with a sports rail with variable performance were present at the test - by the will of fate, I didn't have a chance to ride the F30 with such a system, but Volodya Melnikov from Auto Review claims that the G20 has become more linear and transparent. Excuse me, but what kind of tin was going on then, and why then did anyone praise that car at all? I remember the third series with the regular rail: agile, unambiguous and intuitive. And here I am experiencing continuous misunderstanding.

The steering wheel is as sharp as possible: for the slightest deviation - a throw into the next row, city, country and galaxy. It invigorates, but sincere mutual understanding does not arise: there is not enough information, the effort walks by itself, like that cat. And so any arc turns into a search operation. You can't just turn the steering wheel and drive through a turn - there is a constant game of "steer-steer", and in the end I do not trust my instincts, but the limitless possibilities of the chassis. Even if I am mistaken, it will forgive. I hope …

Moreover, there is a serious difference between the two versions of the "three-wheel" - probably just because of the tires. Here is a real sketch from the first minutes of the test: I take a diesel 320d, two colleagues use a gasoline 330i, and after a couple of tens of kilometers of "interception" we stop to share our impressions. In one voice we exhale: "Everything is stunned as cool, but with the steering wheel some kind of garbage."

And then we change cars, and it turns out that in the "three hundred and thirtieth" against this background, everything is more or less normal, but the diesel version talks to the driver in frank gibberish. But I have no doubts that "three rubles" with ordinary racks will give a high, only a high and nothing but a high, but the problem is that you cannot order them yet.

What to do? Wait for summer and the arrival of the charged version of the M340i xDrive!

Here it is, the key to the jewelry box: apparently, the obstinate steering rack was originally designed for four-wheel drive. Usually the opposite is true - the rear-wheel drive versions are cleaner, clearer and more transparent, but here the additional load on the front wheels balances the whole character of the "three-ruble" and makes it meaningful.

I ride a camouflage prototype along the cunning Algarve racetrack on pure instincts: you don't need to predict behavior, you can just build ideal trajectories and implement them with impressive overloads. Full understanding with the machine and the unbridled temperament of the modified "six" B58 - now there are 374 horsepower instead of 326 and 4.4 seconds to a hundred instead of 4.9. And the willingness to slide sideways, even on dry land, despite all-wheel drive: a lockable diff comes standard, and the M340i should be as fun in winter as it is on the 330i in summer.

But the main thing is that with such a "three-ruble note" I am finally getting better communication of the highest order. Without words, languages and dialects - on a non-verbal and intuitive level, when no additional effort is required at all for communication. And I believe that with the younger versions this is also possible - it is enough to remove the language barrier in the form of a discordant steering mechanism.

And as for the rest of the rough edges - like tidying up and design - you don't have to worry at all: we will get used to something and it will take root, but something itself will die and fall off. In this regard, the laws of linguistics and the laws of life work in exactly the same way.